Mar 09 2009
twitchy
i think this blog is sarah's fault, what with her recent post about her 6 year anniversary living in LA, but the sentiment is certainly my own. see, i've lived in this town for over 10 years, which is about 6 more than i intended. and at least 4 or 5 longer than i've really truly wanted to live here. i love my friends and life's pretty okay; it isn't about that really. it's just that i got over this town a LOOOOOOOONG time ago and there are plenty of other places i want to live. places with more of an art scene, more weirdo arty types, more to do when one wants to 'go out' than go to a bar and listen to forgettable music or go to a movie, more healthy, veggie-type eating out options, (much) better proximity to the ocean, and probably lots of other things. oh, perhaps some nice potential employment. that'd be neat. the kicker is that ben had finally grown tired of nashville as well, and we were planning to begin an exit strategy once i graduated. there was much rejoicing. then the economy exploded and selling a house we don't need to sell and moving to some unknown place for hypothetical jobs when ben has a well-paying one he loves here doesn't seem like the smartest of moves. so no moving. he says maybe next year, but i think that means never. something will come up, something will happen and i'll suffocate to death here. in stupid nashville.
my need to get out manifests itself every so often in an intense desire to at least go somewhere, anywhere, even for a weekend, which is about where i'm at now. it's like cabin fever, but it's location fever on top of it. i just get unsettled, physically, mentally, everything-else-ally. i lose focus easily and often wonder if my skin is actually thick enough to contain all the chaos of my innards. the only way i can think to describe it is the feeling you get if you drink about a gallon of espresso on an empty stomach: jittery, a little nauseated, bug-eyed and like you must run around waving your arms and screaming "AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!" i think the fact that last week i turned in my graduate portfolio and my last french assignment and this week is spring break has given me a breather, time to think about the inevitable "next," and i gotta say, i don't see anything. i think this is largely job-hunt related, as nashville really isn't the best of places to find a job writering much of anything (especially not now), let alone something i'd want to do. it's all complicated by the fact that my current employment situation could end at any point really, if the spot at daycare opens, but how likely is that? and since there's a bit more to it than just a 'typical nanny job' or whatever, i'll feel really bad if i quit. but i don't want to go back to the 50-hour a week schedule i had this summer, if that's even an option. either way, i don't relish the thought of adding any more 10-hour days to the two i'm doing now. and i need to get a real job somewhere so i can finally stop being such a deadbeat wife, and if this were any other job, i'd have no qualms about quitting. of course, the likelihood of finding a job at this point is pretty slim, so who knows. argh. i'm just jumbled and my skin is too tight, so i whine on my blog about my poor hard life with my nice house and my abundance of food and love and general spoiledness, then i want to kill myself for being such an ungrateful jackass. see? it really is hard being me.
at any rate, as winter seems to have finally left for good (huzzah!) and the days get longer, school is winding down and it feels like something should be about to happen, or i should know something or have some idea of how life will look in june. it should be hopeful, brightly colored, new, this Future that should be springing. all these thoughts are bouncing around, nudging and poking, i can see green and flowers and still i'm waiting for the last thaw; i'm still wintery and cold, gray and immobile and i dont like it. i'm ready for spring dammit! or at least a chance to flee nashville for a minute. i know the latter ain't happening any time soon, so i'll keep praying for the first. and i suppose i'll twitch my way through the spring, because there's nothing else to do. then we'll go to new york in may, and that might last me for a little bit, until the summer beach twitch takes over.
on a happier (and certain to be mucho beneficial for my brain and my skin) is that the weather saturday was awesome and i got to play outside and then sit outside and drink a beer and everything (actually, i got to sit outside and drink TASTY beers friday night too. if you haven't been for food, the chef at rumours east is AMAZING; haven't had grub that good in a while. and yes, i went to a wine bar and drank beer, delicious high-alc dark yummy beer). ben, hayley, buckley and i went to edwin warner park and walked the short trail behind the nature center. it was so so so very wonderful, and the dogs enjoyed playing in the creek and meeting other dogs and generally running around and sniffing and peeing on as much as possible. more of than needs to happen. a lot. well, maybe less of the peeing every 3 feet, but you know what i mean.
i also learned that one should not use a neti pot if one intends to leave the home in the two-hour period that follows. or one should at least be smart enough not to bow one's head for prayers at church immediately following neti potting.