in other writing news, i'm going to be Nashville's "contemporary arts examiner" for examiner.com. It's a newish sort of review / local guide type thing, set up in a bunch of cities with people writing about certain things (i.e., music, restaurants, parenting, arts). It does actually pay a tiny little bit, too; how much depends on page traffic and ad revenue and blah, blah, blah. i decided to do it partly for the practice and having a few extra "serious" clips and partly because it will force us out of the house more.

still in search of ways to make actual money so as to justify quitting the babysitting, all the while hoping and crossing my toes that some magical sponsorship money will appear at soulpancake and i can just get paid to do that, even though it'll likely be part-time and not a lot of money. but that part's okay. cuz then i can do that stuff a little more, and perhaps spend less time working myself into a suicidal lethargy (which is sort of good i guess, cuz i'm too blah to actually expend the energy on suicide) scouring the internets for writing jobs.

here's what i've learned in my job searching:

1. actual full-time in-house jobs i would want absolutely exist - in new york, washington, dc and atlanta.

2. people have no desire to pay anything close to reasonable for freelance writing and i hate them

3. i should've gone to nursing school

4. i actually have plentiful choices in the following career paths: fast food, the army, or nursing school

isn't that cheery and filled with glorious hope for a bright future? don't worry, i've taken to wearing my sunglasses all the time now. they cover up the dark circles and the tears. i realized recently that i'm letting this job bs consume me, to the point that i'm not only anxious in that skin-too-tight, innards on speed (oh wait, they actually are...) sort of way, but that i'm also so braindead it's hard to get motivated to really do anything else. i just sit and stare at this damn computer, searching job site after job site and then some of them again, pondering who else i can email. then the day is over and i spend the evening sitting and staring blankly at the tv. awesome existence i've made for myself over here.

i want and need a frickin' summer vacation, man. like the kind you have when you're 9 that's nothing but fun and breathing and laughter and sweat and homemade ice cream and seems like it goes forever and involves at least three trips to the beach. now this would also include frosty adult beverages, of course. i have this mythical "free time" right now; i'm babysitting two days and then at the soulpancake office from 11-4 on wednesdays, so tuesdays and fridays are wide-open. except that i'm so neurotic and worked up about needing to make money and finding a way out of the babysitting that i can't settle and organize myself to just sit and work on my book, or write a poem, or get all visual with my art-making. plus there's the house-cleaning and all that jazz to keep up with because if i can't pay my rent, i should at least make up for it in maid services.

some times more than others, it's rather difficult to be so completely crazy and chaotic whilst being a neurotic in desperate need of organization and classification and some sort of loose but defined schedule. if i had such a schedule, i could work some yoga or pilates into it and that would be really quite helpful...