Jun 01 2009
now what?
so i graduated, have a degree an' all that, am hunting the internets and stalking whomever i can think of for a job, but nothing's really different. i still hang out with the lil one two (longlongLONG) days a week for peanuts, i'm still soulpancakin' and still generally freaking out about a lack of employment and not enough hours in the day. while it's true that i am more than ready to be done with the nannying for several reasons, and i really would like some sort of job (okay, truthfully, i'd like about three months with no responsibilities - anybody wanna foot the bill for that?) i think i'm more bothered by the fact that nothing has changed since graduation. quite bothered, at least. and, because i'm me, i'm annoyed that i'm bothered. how much more illogical could i be? seriously, what a whackjob.
part of it is that it just seems like such a big thing happened, so shouldn't my life be at least a little altered, even if that alteration is unemployment? sure, i'm required to read and write less, fewer deadlines and no insipid assignments, but really no major changes. it's like now i'm more of a deadbeat with a part-time crap pay job and a non-paying job but no real excuse (i.e. school) for being such. that and the whole end-of-school thing is bascially pretty anti-climactic and almost a non-event due to the aforementioned same-old, same-old.
it's like i'm ready for some Next Big Event or whatever, i completed the step that was supposed to be the final one before something happened and now i just get to blog whilst ignoring a temper tantrum instead of writing a paper. the joy. maybe it's residuals from that postponed move. we were supposed to be taking steps toward living somewhere else after i graduated, so perhaps somewhere in the back of my brain i'm being sad about that again. i guess spending a week in new york didn't help either. sigh. or i'm just whiny and pathetic and need to suck it up as usual. i mean, i am thankful to still have at least some sort of income and particularly thankful that ben has a pretty good one, especially when so many people are lacking in that department (yay economy!), but ya know, it's nothing new. something changes, everything stays the same i guess.
maybe it's just human nature: expecting a change when we think it will come or because of some other transition. perhaps i'm just twitchy and annoyed with myself. i feel like something career-related will work out, in God's (sometimes painfully slow and vague) time, so i'm trying to be patient and zen and all that, i'm just not good at it right now.