Feb 11 2009
mirror, mirror
in lieu of writing a thesis, i have to turn in a portfolio with a written "reflection piece" and then an exam will be created based on what i've studied (the portfolio is to include syllabi from every class i've taken). there are guidelines for the portfolio, which basically say which pieces or types of pieces must be present and then whatever else i want to throw in. great. lovely. no problem. it's this "reflection piece" that has me thrown. This is the only guideline: "a reflective piece of no less than 2,000 words, in which you synthesize the work you have done in your M.A. program." while i'm a pretty big fan of not having strict rules and rigid structure and all that (particularly for writing), i think this is an instance where a little bit more might be helpful. i mean, sheesh. so i've been letting the idea of attempting to come up with some sort of reflectiony synthesis of, well, something float around in my brain (with everything else) for a while. so far, i have a good bit of nada. for one thing (as i'm sure i mentioned before), there are very few things i find more loathsome than just plain difficult than trying to analyze my own writing, nevermind the fact that writing about "me" is pretty detestable as well. yes i realize the irony of writing that in my blog. but i mean in more extended essay/memoir/analysis sort of ways. and you know it. plbt! but beyond that, i think it's perhaps that word: reflection. what is with the need to sit and ponder and dwell in and ruminate upon and undoubtedly romanticize some over and done with span of time or place or whatever? i just don't get it. i'm not saying that being mindful and aware of where you've been and what you did and how you did and can learn from it aren't important; it absolutely is. i'm thinking more of the sort of navel-gazing, pink-hued, sigh-inducing sort of narcissistic over-thinking that word "reflection" connotes. perhaps that's just me, and it's certainly something i'm going to have to work around, but it doesn't leave me any clearer really about what this grand summation of how grad school has made me so much more god-like than the puny little girl i was before. argh. am i over-thinking this? i think i'm over-thinking this. i hope i'm over-thinking this. it would be so unlike me - to make something bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. sigh.
truthfully, i know i'm overthinking it. in the grand scheme of things, it barely matters. this "class" is pass/fail. passing is contingent upon me turning in what i'm supposed to and producing eloquent and seemingly intelligent bs answers for my exam. still. due to my nerdy perfectionist nature, i would prefer that it did not suck. or sound overwrought, or pretentious, or obnoxious, or obsequious, or palin-esque. i could probably keep that list going for a while, so i'll stop now. i should just find a span of time to sit down and actually try to write something and then see what happens. that's a very basic and integral part of my particular writing process. i can do all the "planning" in the world, but until i sit down to actually compose something, i have no idea what it will look like. but me being me, i have to first feel like i have a "plan" to even get myself to the point of an actual honest attempt at construction. i know, you're probably thinking, "that doesn't even make any sense, and she must be aware since she just typed it out there." of course i'm aware! i'm actually pretty cognizant of all of my crazy, but that doesn't mean i can just skip parts of it. processes, people. processes. it's tough being me.