Ridiculous musings from megan and ben (and occasionally hayley and/or buckley).
Mar 12 2009
two days ago the high was 80 degrees. i took the dogs and wandered through the woods at edwin warner, wearing a T-shirt and capri pants. this morning i went to my car to find a good half-inch of little round ice balls piled upon it, the very same ones falling from the sky. dear nashville, this is bullshit. love, meg
Mar 09 2009
i think this blog is sarah's fault, what with her recent post about her 6 year anniversary living in LA, but the sentiment is certainly my own. see, i've lived in this town for over 10 years, which is about 6 more than i intended. and at least 4 or 5 longer than i've really truly wanted to live here. i love my friends and life's pretty okay; it isn't about that really. it's just that i got over this town a LOOOOOOOONG time ago and there are plenty of other places i want to live. places with more of an art scene, more weirdo arty types, more to do when one wants to 'go out' than go to a bar and listen to forgettable music or go to a movie, more healthy, veggie-type eating out options, (much) better proximity to the ocean, and probably lots of other things. oh, perhaps some nice potential employment. that'd be neat. the kicker is that ben had finally grown tired of nashville as well, and we were planning to begin an exit strategy once i graduated. there was much rejoicing. then the economy exploded and selling a house we don't need to sell and moving to some unknown place for hypothetical jobs when ben has a well-paying one he loves here doesn't seem like the smartest of moves. so no moving. he says maybe next year, but i think that means never. something will come up, something will happen and i'll suffocate to death here. in stupid nashville.
my need to get out manifests itself every so often in an intense desire to at least go somewhere, anywhere, even for a weekend, which is about where i'm at now. it's like cabin fever, but it's location fever on top of it. i just get unsettled, physically, mentally, everything-else-ally. i lose focus easily and often wonder if my skin is actually thick enough to contain all the chaos of my innards. the only way i can think to describe it is the feeling you get if you drink about a gallon of espresso on an empty stomach: jittery, a little nauseated, bug-eyed and like you must run around waving your arms and screaming "AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!" i think the fact that last week i turned in my graduate portfolio and my last french assignment and this week is spring break has given me a breather, time to think about the inevitable "next," and i gotta say, i don't see anything. i think this is largely job-hunt related, as nashville really isn't the best of places to find a job writering much of anything (especially not now), let alone something i'd want to do. it's all complicated by the fact that my current employment situation could end at any point really, if the spot at daycare opens, but how likely is that? and since there's a bit more to it than just a 'typical nanny job' or whatever, i'll feel really bad if i quit. but i don't want to go back to the 50-hour a week schedule i had this summer, if that's even an option. either way, i don't relish the thought of adding any more 10-hour days to the two i'm doing now. and i need to get a real job somewhere so i can finally stop being such a deadbeat wife, and if this were any other job, i'd have no qualms about quitting. of course, the likelihood of finding a job at this point is pretty slim, so who knows. argh. i'm just jumbled and my skin is too tight, so i whine on my blog about my poor hard life with my nice house and my abundance of food and love and general spoiledness, then i want to kill myself for being such an ungrateful jackass. see? it really is hard being me.
at any rate, as winter seems to have finally left for good (huzzah!) and the days get longer, school is winding down and it feels like something should be about to happen, or i should know something or have some idea of how life will look in june. it should be hopeful, brightly colored, new, this Future that should be springing. all these thoughts are bouncing around, nudging and poking, i can see green and flowers and still i'm waiting for the last thaw; i'm still wintery and cold, gray and immobile and i dont like it. i'm ready for spring dammit! or at least a chance to flee nashville for a minute. i know the latter ain't happening any time soon, so i'll keep praying for the first. and i suppose i'll twitch my way through the spring, because there's nothing else to do. then we'll go to new york in may, and that might last me for a little bit, until the summer beach twitch takes over.
on a happier (and certain to be mucho beneficial for my brain and my skin) is that the weather saturday was awesome and i got to play outside and then sit outside and drink a beer and everything (actually, i got to sit outside and drink TASTY beers friday night too. if you haven't been for food, the chef at rumours east is AMAZING; haven't had grub that good in a while. and yes, i went to a wine bar and drank beer, delicious high-alc dark yummy beer). ben, hayley, buckley and i went to edwin warner park and walked the short trail behind the nature center. it was so so so very wonderful, and the dogs enjoyed playing in the creek and meeting other dogs and generally running around and sniffing and peeing on as much as possible. more of than needs to happen. a lot. well, maybe less of the peeing every 3 feet, but you know what i mean.
i also learned that one should not use a neti pot if one intends to leave the home in the two-hour period that follows. or one should at least be smart enough not to bow one's head for prayers at church immediately following neti potting.
Feb 26 2009
it's been so long since i've blogged that wordpress had logged me out. or, going by the 'remember me' option, WORDPRESS FORGOT ABOUT ME!!!! WAAAAAH! the horror. so anyway, um, stuff's been transpiring and whatnot. it seems the olbigatory recap of past events is due or something since i'm certain everyone has just been waiting with bated breath for me to blog. it's been almost two weeks, during which we joined a gym, commenced working out even, celebrated the first birthday of the wee one i get paid to hang out with, ben's back declared war on him a couple of times, i'm pretty much done with that bloody 'reflection' thing, (which is good since it's due wednesday), and i'm one french assignment away from requesting my final and wondering how long it will take them to mail it so i can take it and be done with it already. i'm sure there are many more fascinating details i've left out, but i'm tired, lea' me 'lone.
we also went to the movie theater THREE times during that stretch. three times! the insanity. at the moment i can't remember the last move we'd seen in the theater, but i think it was on the mediocre side. we've basically stopped going to movies unless it's something like the dark knight that must be viewed large and loud. the first of these excursions was a movie that required theater viewing: coraline 3D. it was freaking holy crap awesome. so good. so very very good. then we saw slumdog millionaire with em & josh. it was most excellent as well. then two days later we saw the wrestler. again, brilliant. shortly thereafter we realized we had forgotten how great movies could be. that was probably part of the reason we used to go see them so much. i'm pretty sure that netflix is the reason for this tragic loss of movie love. the vast majority of the movies we watch are crap, but not the good kind. mediocre. the thing i cannot tolerate. a movie either has to be awesome or so horrible it's awesome for me to really like it. mediocrity. this is how we squander our time? really? doing stuff that is at best awarded a judgment of "eh?" we watch things that end up in our queue because "it looked kinda interesting" or "i like that one actor/actress/director/writer." because it's a paid subscription, we can go through a lot of movies without really thinking about it, whereas going to a store and more deliberately picking out a film and then having to pay for that one tends to weed out the crap a little. we think about it more; it doesn't just come into our house with the magazines and the credit card offers, the mythical money taken out of our checking account every month without us having to give it a moment's thought. so we don't. we "add to queue" with much-too-reckless abandon. then we watch things like 'rocknrolla' and 'the strangers' and 'traitor' (to be fair i shouldn't judge that one since i couldn't manage to stay awake for the predictable and riveting ending). so i'm just gonna say it: we must not encourage mediocrity! of course it's easy and convenient - it's 'ordinary, average, middling, middle-of-the-road, uninspired, undistinguished, indifferent, unexceptional, unexciting, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill, pedestrian, prosaic, lackluster, forgettable, amateur, amateurish' according to my handy-dandy thesarus widget. i ask you, are those things really how we should be spending our time? mediocrity isn't mediocre - it SUCKS! and if we're this apathetic when it comes to something as silly as movie-watching, is that creeping in to other places as well? i know it is. it's easy, it's cheap, it's blah, blah, blah. it's the bloody participation ribbon they give kids on field day so everybody feels good or some crap like that. perhaps the lenten spirit is getting to me, but i am giving up mediocrity. i've decided. it's not really a lent thing at all, since a) i rarely do the lent thing b) the sacrifice is supposed to be something you will miss and finally, because i don't want the banishment to end. mediocrity be gone! ben, ya with me? can i delete saw 5? 
Feb 14 2009
ben: ya know, i don't think i want to do anything for valentine's day this year.
me: (very big eyes) REEALLY?!?!!
ben: yeah
me: wait, you're not doing that woman thing where you're saying this because you know it'll make me very happy but you're secretly wanting me to plan some big romantical thing are you?
ben: (chuckling) no
me: seriously, because you know you have to just tell me. i don't get that kind of crap.
ben: really, i just don't wanna
me: don't toy with me
ben: i'd rather just chill. for real.
me: i love you so very much
Feb 11 2009
in lieu of writing a thesis, i have to turn in a portfolio with a written "reflection piece" and then an exam will be created based on what i've studied (the portfolio is to include syllabi from every class i've taken). there are guidelines for the portfolio, which basically say which pieces or types of pieces must be present and then whatever else i want to throw in. great. lovely. no problem. it's this "reflection piece" that has me thrown. This is the only guideline: "a reflective piece of no less than 2,000 words, in which you synthesize the work you have done in your M.A. program." while i'm a pretty big fan of not having strict rules and rigid structure and all that (particularly for writing), i think this is an instance where a little bit more might be helpful. i mean, sheesh. so i've been letting the idea of attempting to come up with some sort of reflectiony synthesis of, well, something float around in my brain (with everything else) for a while. so far, i have a good bit of nada. for one thing (as i'm sure i mentioned before), there are very few things i find more loathsome than just plain difficult than trying to analyze my own writing, nevermind the fact that writing about "me" is pretty detestable as well. yes i realize the irony of writing that in my blog. but i mean in more extended essay/memoir/analysis sort of ways. and you know it. plbt! but beyond that, i think it's perhaps that word: reflection. what is with the need to sit and ponder and dwell in and ruminate upon and undoubtedly romanticize some over and done with span of time or place or whatever? i just don't get it. i'm not saying that being mindful and aware of where you've been and what you did and how you did and can learn from it aren't important; it absolutely is. i'm thinking more of the sort of navel-gazing, pink-hued, sigh-inducing sort of narcissistic over-thinking that word "reflection" connotes. perhaps that's just me, and it's certainly something i'm going to have to work around, but it doesn't leave me any clearer really about what this grand summation of how grad school has made me so much more god-like than the puny little girl i was before. argh. am i over-thinking this? i think i'm over-thinking this. i hope i'm over-thinking this. it would be so unlike me - to make something bigger and more complicated than it needs to be. sigh.
truthfully, i know i'm overthinking it. in the grand scheme of things, it barely matters. this "class" is pass/fail. passing is contingent upon me turning in what i'm supposed to and producing eloquent and seemingly intelligent bs answers for my exam. still. due to my nerdy perfectionist nature, i would prefer that it did not suck. or sound overwrought, or pretentious, or obnoxious, or obsequious, or palin-esque. i could probably keep that list going for a while, so i'll stop now. i should just find a span of time to sit down and actually try to write something and then see what happens. that's a very basic and integral part of my particular writing process. i can do all the "planning" in the world, but until i sit down to actually compose something, i have no idea what it will look like. but me being me, i have to first feel like i have a "plan" to even get myself to the point of an actual honest attempt at construction. i know, you're probably thinking, "that doesn't even make any sense, and she must be aware since she just typed it out there." of course i'm aware! i'm actually pretty cognizant of all of my crazy, but that doesn't mean i can just skip parts of it. processes, people. processes. it's tough being me.