now, i think if i get into some regular blogging-type habit, it should serve some purpose. i don't know what, persactly. everybody loves that 'accountability' word, which means it's on my list of words that cause an involuntary eye roll and mini-vomit when i hear or see them. i'm not entirely sure what i'd need the interweb to hold me accountable to anyway. sure, there are plenty of things i'm aiming to do, actually do in the immediate future, but i don't feel like having some sort of weird journal focused on one specific thing. too limiting, too boring. blech. maybe that's it, though. maybe i should throw a blog into one of my numerous and oft-mocked 'to-do' lists, so that i do it regularly. but with the caveat that it should be something creative, something fun, useful (fun is totally useful, for the record), beneficial or challenging to me and that one person who may accidentally and inexplicably find themselves reading it. that's what i'm thinking anyway.

so i guess what i'm saying, dear blog, is, maybe it's time to put you to rest. well, officially to rest. pull the plug, and all that. i mean, everyone's assumed you were dead for quite some time now, so it just seems the humane thing to do. maybe...

it does seem somewhat silly to set up a whole new blog when there's a perfectly good one right here. but it's more than an out with the old, in the with new thing, though there's more than a bit of that. i think its perhaps about just setting one up for me. that's mine. even though this one is, for all intents and purposes. there's something about starting from the beginning with the clear delineation that it's megan's crazytown logs, ramblings and rumblings from the shallow depths of my brain. and there's just something to that starting afresh thing. blasted new year. well, i take that back actually. if all goes according to plan, 2010 needs to suit up and stand up, 'cause it is not ready for what we're going to do it. i'm not sure if the changing of the calendar really had a lot to do with us making plans (like, actual, workable, REAL plans) to clean out, rearrange, deconstruct and shape up this life we've made, i think it's more of that whole winter-leads-to-spring thing. growth, renewal, reinvention, LIFE.

but i digress, as i am wont to do. so, to recap: have blog; perhaps have renewed interest in blog-having (at least renewed intrigue); may require death of old blog, silly? perhaps; 2010, put your big boy pants on.

you know that show 'what not to wear'? i'm sure you do, as it's been on for a while and seems to be on fairly often, especially saturday afternoons, which is when i found it this weekend. ben and i both always get sucked into it (and if anyone wants to turn me in to them, gimme a heads up and i'll look extra crappy for the 'secret' submission tape). it's one of those sappy feel-good type shows that doesn't always make me want to throw up, and i like shoes. anyway, the point, if there is one: the thing that's always kinda bugged me about that show, aside from the inexplicable hatred of comfy lazy clothes, is the extreme emphasis they place on putting so much time and energy into 'assembling a look,' creating the perfect hairstyle and mask of make-up every day. it bugs me partly because it's usually completely ridiculous and impractical for most of the womens' real, actual daily lives, but mostly because it's bullshit.

the one saturday really tipped me over on the rage scale because that big moment when the woman cries and wails about how she feels beautiful (it's in every episode) was right after the make-up artist held up the mirror so she could see her new air-brushed, plastic-looking face. really? at this moment, when you are wearing so much make-up you can't even tell what you look like, this is when you feel beautiful? the whole show is built around how you look, so i know it's no big shock or whatever that they make such a big deal over sending them to get their hair done at the end of it; i guess the make-up artist kinda makes some sense, except she always puts so much make-up on them they even look over-done on TV. shouldn't this tip someone off? anyway, back to my gripe. for a show that is so into helping people take time for themselves and regain lost confidence and blah blah blah, why is it they must be told that all the fancy new clothes and shiny bouncy hair are useless without a ton of clown paint? you can dress well, have great hair, and be confident in how you look and happy with who are, but only if you don't forget the eye shadow. cuz without all that you're still a busted old mess. what not to wear most definitely doesn't include make-up, so enjoy working the extra half-hour into your no doubt leisurely morning routine!

bollocks, i say. bollocks!

how 'bout they do something revolutionary and don't proliferate this idea that women have to wear make-up and look completely 'done' in order to be beautiful, confident, smart, capable, etc, etc, and etc? i'm all for the aspect of the show where they teach people how to dress for their body and personality, etc, and for the fact that most of the crying, oh-my-i-forgot-about-taking-care-of-me moments come much earlier in the show, often when the family and friends who turned the chick in say why. anyway, that part's great. they show the women how to work with whatever flaws they think they have and are trying to hide, which usually starts the whole confidence boost / i'm not hideous thing. they give them a couple of days of glorious new wardrobe aquisition, send them off for a new haircut and color, and the women are all feeling fantastic and renewed and confident and ready to go back to their lives. instead of letting them do so, the show has to ruin it by saying, wait, wait, you're not quite good enough for all this stuff unless we can fix that face of yours, and wow are we gonna need a lot of foundation. jerks.

We had some friends over last night for a little 4th of July shindig; it turned out rather awesome. As with most of our friendly gatherings it was pot-luck style. I made Ground Venison Burgers with a Coffee Spice rub that were amazing. I also used a purple cabbage and some fresh cord we got from our CSA along with some hot peppers (including some cayenne from our garden!), carrots, lime, red wine vineagar and cilantro to make a spicy southwestern slaw. Keith and Laurie brought along an amazing whole grain mustard warm potato salad. Carey & Jared brought some hot dogs and brats. It was fantastic!

For dessert Megan made the most amazing trifle! Using some peaches from the CSA along with strawberries and blueberries she layyered the fruit with poud cake and an out of this world lemon curd. it was unbelievable.

Jared put on an amazing fireworks display in our back yard that was much more enjoyable than going downtown and standing in the rain amidst all the crazies – a great night indeed.

And as an added bonus, the leftovers for both breakfast this morning (trifle) and lunch today (potato salad) were awesome!

in other writing news, i'm going to be Nashville's "contemporary arts examiner" for examiner.com. It's a newish sort of review / local guide type thing, set up in a bunch of cities with people writing about certain things (i.e., music, restaurants, parenting, arts). It does actually pay a tiny little bit, too; how much depends on page traffic and ad revenue and blah, blah, blah. i decided to do it partly for the practice and having a few extra "serious" clips and partly because it will force us out of the house more.

still in search of ways to make actual money so as to justify quitting the babysitting, all the while hoping and crossing my toes that some magical sponsorship money will appear at soulpancake and i can just get paid to do that, even though it'll likely be part-time and not a lot of money. but that part's okay. cuz then i can do that stuff a little more, and perhaps spend less time working myself into a suicidal lethargy (which is sort of good i guess, cuz i'm too blah to actually expend the energy on suicide) scouring the internets for writing jobs.

here's what i've learned in my job searching:

1. actual full-time in-house jobs i would want absolutely exist - in new york, washington, dc and atlanta.

2. people have no desire to pay anything close to reasonable for freelance writing and i hate them

3. i should've gone to nursing school

4. i actually have plentiful choices in the following career paths: fast food, the army, or nursing school

isn't that cheery and filled with glorious hope for a bright future? don't worry, i've taken to wearing my sunglasses all the time now. they cover up the dark circles and the tears. i realized recently that i'm letting this job bs consume me, to the point that i'm not only anxious in that skin-too-tight, innards on speed (oh wait, they actually are...) sort of way, but that i'm also so braindead it's hard to get motivated to really do anything else. i just sit and stare at this damn computer, searching job site after job site and then some of them again, pondering who else i can email. then the day is over and i spend the evening sitting and staring blankly at the tv. awesome existence i've made for myself over here.

i want and need a frickin' summer vacation, man. like the kind you have when you're 9 that's nothing but fun and breathing and laughter and sweat and homemade ice cream and seems like it goes forever and involves at least three trips to the beach. now this would also include frosty adult beverages, of course. i have this mythical "free time" right now; i'm babysitting two days and then at the soulpancake office from 11-4 on wednesdays, so tuesdays and fridays are wide-open. except that i'm so neurotic and worked up about needing to make money and finding a way out of the babysitting that i can't settle and organize myself to just sit and work on my book, or write a poem, or get all visual with my art-making. plus there's the house-cleaning and all that jazz to keep up with because if i can't pay my rent, i should at least make up for it in maid services.

some times more than others, it's rather difficult to be so completely crazy and chaotic whilst being a neurotic in desperate need of organization and classification and some sort of loose but defined schedule. if i had such a schedule, i could work some yoga or pilates into it and that would be really quite helpful...

plus we get a few new experiences out of the deal. our first box including a kohlrabi, or german turnip, which looked somewhat like what would happen if a turnip had sex with a beet. tasted like a turnip though. we had a bunch of radishes the first week (and this week too!) and because we waited too long to use the lil' carrots, inadvertently discovered that awesome joy that is the roasted radish. i think i actually said "where've you been all my life?" we've had napa cabbage, which we mostly ate raw in salads because we weren't 100% sure what it was the first time, other than delicious. yesterday we got a couple of yellow zucchini. nope, not yellow squash, zucchini, which are a lovely, daffodil yellow color and very smooth to the touch. my interwebbing tells me it's a hybrid and tastes pretty much like a green one.

i think the most exciting new discovery is the garlic scape, the long green stemmy part of the garlic that most people discard - to their own detriment. it has a very mild flavor that's somewhere between garlic and green onion, but also a little bit buttery. we've gotten some in every box thus far, and i'm hoping that we'll get many more since garlic isn't harvested until later in the summer. they can be used any way garlic or onions would be. i cut the first bit in bigger pieces and roasted them with some veggies and last week's batch went into loaded potato salad instead of onions. dee-licious! having never seen them before, i'm not sure where you could get them.

yesterday's box had potatoes, an onion, garlic scapes, a napa cabbage, a head of some sort of lettuce (haven't examined), carrots, yellow zucchini, yellow squash, radishes, a head of cauliflower, peas, dill, basil and some other herb that is very dark purple.

i haven't yet mentioned the almost best part for me because i'm a weirdo: i LOVE getting food with dirt on it. perhaps this stems from being a farm kid and growing up with the crazy belief that food came from the ground, IN the dirt, not some candy-colored flourescent-lit nightmare store out of a delillo novel. food. complete with dirt and stems. *aaaaahhh*

why, oh why do you find 6:30 or 7 am to be the best time for your loud outdoor activities? fairly often you're out cutting your always-immaculate lawn, whilst we young deadbeats across the road are still lazily clinging to hour number 6.5 of sleep. the last three mornings you've been happily hammering away replacing the picket fence enclosing your always lovely front yard. this endeavor in general i whole-heartedly support, because that thing has long been losing the battle to the over-excited mastiffs and rottweilers who like to put their front paws on it to better keep tabs on the 'hood and bark at passers-by. they also are well-aware that they can push certain spots and free themselves for some brief exploration of the neighboring yard, and that 30 pound lil' rat terrier you have spent so much time outside your yard that we didn't know she was your dog for about a month. so, yay, new fence. but seriously, hammering before 7 in the frickin' morning? NOT COOL.

part of it is that it just seems like such a big thing happened, so shouldn't my life be at least a little altered, even if that alteration is unemployment? sure, i'm required to read and write less, fewer deadlines and no insipid assignments, but really no major changes. it's like now i'm more of a deadbeat with a part-time crap pay job and a non-paying job but no real excuse (i.e. school) for being such. that and the whole end-of-school thing is bascially pretty anti-climactic and almost a non-event due to the aforementioned same-old, same-old.

it's like i'm ready for some Next Big Event or whatever, i completed the step that was supposed to be the final one before something happened and now i just get to blog whilst ignoring a temper tantrum instead of writing a paper. the joy. maybe it's residuals from that postponed move. we were supposed to be taking steps toward living somewhere else after i graduated, so perhaps somewhere in the back of my brain i'm being sad about that again. i guess spending a week in new york didn't help either. sigh. or i'm just whiny and pathetic and need to suck it up as usual. i mean, i am thankful to still have at least some sort of income and particularly thankful that ben has a pretty good one, especially when so many people are lacking in that department (yay economy!), but ya know, it's nothing new. something changes, everything stays the same i guess.

maybe it's just human nature: expecting a change when we think it will come or because of some other transition. perhaps i'm just twitchy and annoyed with myself. i feel like something career-related will work out, in God's (sometimes painfully slow and vague) time, so i'm trying to be patient and zen and all that, i'm just not good at it right now.