The Frank Funny Farm

mostly a genetic curse from my mommy i suppose. insomnia waits, and wakes and picks at my brain, seizing my stomach and tossing my soul as much as my body. it seems to do its best work when i'm more exhausted than usual, like tonight. i've been sick for at least a week now, achy, tired, feeling like shit on a stick and wanting nothing more (wellness notwithstanding) than to sleep. yet here i am at almost 3 in the morning, horribly awake. so contradictory, the physical and the mental exhaustion, the feeling that a collaose is - must be - imminent and yet, my eyes are stubbornly, painful open, the voices in my head unceasing in their taunts. so much stuff to do, too much stuff to do, it can't all be done, certainly not done well. why does it matter anyway since you clearly went to the wrong school and if you do actually graduate you certainly won't find a job, at least not one that might come close to justifying the colossal waste of money. why, dumbass, why, didn't you even think about waiting for vanderbilt's program, why not at least investigate it? what the f#%$? do you know how much better off you'd be right now? well, yes, of course i do, but what can i do about it now? after this semester i'm 6 hours shy of a degree, i certainly can't imagine anything transferring, i'm stuck. right where i stuck myself. no good lamenting the unchangeable, regrets aren't really my style, and stupid fretting like this is what ROBS ME OF PRECIOUS SLEEP!! so shut up. i still haven't heard from stupid kansas or wherever that online class, which distresses me a little. they need to hurry up. why i don't know, i don't exactly have time to play with french. and it won't matter if my 'advising' meeting with mr. stupid department head goes as i anticipate and i won't be graduating anyway. i'm sure as hell not taking the only two classes i can take next semester. only one writing class offered and the subject is similar to the class i'm taking now, and from reading the description it sure doesn't sound like a writing class. and it just sounds awful. and i have no reason to believe he'll actually care that i am not interested in wasting time, money or my last semester in two classes that are not only useless to me, but sound downright painful. in fact, i'm certain he won't as a friend met with him today with the same concerns and he told her to take and undergrad class, just flatly said no and barely acknowledged her question about us and another student wanting to arrange an independent (codependent?) study for the three of us. so i'm more than a little upset, stressed, pissed, sad and thoroughy rearranged about all that. and i'm afraid that when i meet with him, the tired and the sickly will make me much more unpleasant and irrational than i need to be.

and it bothers me that i let it bother me. i know god's got whatever worked out and it's cool and i'm pretty sure he made me go to this crappy school (again). but i don't know, could i have just self-sabotaged and rushed my way into it? doesn't matter now, so why worry, but still...

that's the problem right there: but still... there shouldn't be a 'but.' and usually there isn't much of one. i've actually reached a point where i don't really worry about things i can't control anyway, nor the things i can. god's got it, i'm ok. until i let fear and doubt and stress and worry pile up and overwhelm me, keep me always empty, never hungry, always churning, but paralyzed, completely scattered, but solidly aware, exhausted, sleepless. and apparently blogging into the void at 3 am. because i dont even get useful insomnia where i could actually accomplish something. i'm just... awake.

Tags: insomnia, school, what's wrong with me, worry