The Frank Funny Farm

that is the state of me. i have been listening to the same album for about 3 hours now, which is fine i like it, but it's mostly because i just keep hitting play when it ends so i don't have to try to figure out what to listen to and search through david's iTunes. i really wish simplifymedia worked the way it claims to.

while trying to take notes a few minutes ago i thought of something (else) i needed to add to the to-do list. knowing these sorts of things tend to be forgotten if not recorded, i opened my note program and in the time it took to do that and click on the to-do list to add the thing, i had forgotten said thing. it took a couple of minutes and actual backtracking my thought process to come up with it. yeesh.

i need to update the music on my iPod so's i can listen to music at home since our airport thingy doesn't want me to just stream it over the airwaves from the office to the living room. and i could bring it here with me to make it better that simplify media sucks.

i just ate a granola bar and am somehow hungrier for doing so.

it's cold.

i'm tired. veryvery stupid tired.

i don't wanna go to class. waaah.

i hope david gets home in time enough for me to hit crema and not be too terribly late to class.

i think my ginfers are dyslexic. that wouldn't be half as funny if that wasn't legitimately what i just typed. see? they really are. and they're cold. and i forgot my gloves. and i want new gloves that aren't wool knit and all scratchy and holey.

the dogs and their laundry all desperately need washing. ug.

so does the kitchen floor.

am i shivering cause i'm cold or is it the too-much-caffeine-not-enough-food vibrations? hmm.

i want to read so many books for the funs. i can't even read everything for the mandated in time. sigh. i should make a list of those books for real.

how hard is it to FREAKING EMAIL SOMEONE BACK OR DO WHAT THE CRAP YOU SAID YOU WOULD A WEEK AGO?? grrr.

i think i want thai food.

i really need to be looking at all those quotes i pulled out of that book for my presentation tomorrow and maybe try to make some coherent organized thingy out of em.

my eyes and brain do not want to read anymore ever for a long time. sorry kids.

it's almost freaking december. holy crap! how did that happen? and yet, somehow december 16, date of freedom seems so very far from now. and yet not.

and what the crap am i going to write for my final autobiographical paper project thingy? and when is this even going to happen? ack.

right. presentation. right.

and definitely thai food.

Tags: scatterbrainery

so i haven't blogged all week, huh? oh well. let's see this week... lots of death in my head i guess. for my life writing class tuesday night we read joan didion's the year of magical thinking which i should find a link to or something but i'm not that industrious right now. if you haven't read it or her, you should. she's amazing, though i've never read any of her fiction, i'm guessing it's not entirely different in style from her non. she's so matter of fact about everything, she has this unbelievable way of fully observing every detail (particularly the oddly funny ones) as both an outsider to a situation and someone who's right there in the room. but with TYOMT she's almost observing herself from the outside. it chronicles the year after her husband died of a sudden heart attack, while their adult daughter was in the ICU in an induced coma. two (or maybe three) times during the course of the year, her daughter is released, supposedly better and then something else happens that land her back in the hospital. eventually, i think just before this book was published, her daughter dies. but anyway, the book is for the most part about her husband, their marriage, and her attempts to deal with it, to 'make sense of it.' so beautiful, in that rip-you-heart-out-intense sort of way. and during class we listened to her on NPR's fresh air with that awful woman, and hearing her voice was even more sad, especially since her daughter had been gone for a couple of months at that point.

so i leave class after talking about that for two and half hours and make my usual tuesday night trek to wilhagan's to catch the end of the trivia game and hang out for a lil bit. after the game was over i asked dan how his trip was. he went back to his hometown for a few days and saw metallica in st. louis while he was near. he said, "well the trip was great." that sort of statement is never a good one. then he says he came home to a very still cat in the bathroom. the vet couldn't save her. sad. the next night we mourned lil' girl over margartias and diablo sauce. and i started reading my next book for tuesday's class, which is actually fiction. but it's a really old (dying) man writing letters to his 7 year old son since they won't really know each other. oh, and a good friend's dad died suddenly in his sleep last sunday.

i'm not depressed or anything, just sayin.' it's been like death week on the discovery channel over here or something (which i would totally watch if it existed). let's see. other things. still haven't heard from the nutty dept. head (surprise!) regarding next semester. and since registration is closed, let's hope i remember to do that in january. yeeeeeaah...

also, somehow my dear husband began his christmas shopping a couple weeks ago or something. what the crap? who is this person and what is wrong with him? good lord. now i'm feeling a little losery for not even having a concept of december in my head yet. or thanksgiving really. yeesh. all i have in my head are infinite and ever-growing to do lists. now i need to add gift-shopping to it?!?! ACK! on that note, i really should be reading...

Tags: christmas already?!?, death, joan didion, reading

Dear blog,
I am stupidly busy with schoolwork, playing a bit of catch-up from the sicklies and was gifted with a bunch of copy edits for the internship on Friday night that were due today at 1. I did get about 5.5 hours of sleep last night, hopefully I won't regret all that sleeping tomorrow. Guess I'll just have to see how the afternoon goes. Anyway, I should get back to the reading I guess, just wanted to touch base and apologize for all the grumpy ranting and neglect lately. You're probably wondering why I'm phone-blogging, so I'll tell you. It's my handy dandy book holder, see. While it's helpful it is a bit difficult to get up from beneath. here's a picture to help explain.
Bye for now,
meg

Tags: blog neglect, fancy book holder, hayley

mostly a genetic curse from my mommy i suppose. insomnia waits, and wakes and picks at my brain, seizing my stomach and tossing my soul as much as my body. it seems to do its best work when i'm more exhausted than usual, like tonight. i've been sick for at least a week now, achy, tired, feeling like shit on a stick and wanting nothing more (wellness notwithstanding) than to sleep. yet here i am at almost 3 in the morning, horribly awake. so contradictory, the physical and the mental exhaustion, the feeling that a collaose is - must be - imminent and yet, my eyes are stubbornly, painful open, the voices in my head unceasing in their taunts. so much stuff to do, too much stuff to do, it can't all be done, certainly not done well. why does it matter anyway since you clearly went to the wrong school and if you do actually graduate you certainly won't find a job, at least not one that might come close to justifying the colossal waste of money. why, dumbass, why, didn't you even think about waiting for vanderbilt's program, why not at least investigate it? what the f#%$? do you know how much better off you'd be right now? well, yes, of course i do, but what can i do about it now? after this semester i'm 6 hours shy of a degree, i certainly can't imagine anything transferring, i'm stuck. right where i stuck myself. no good lamenting the unchangeable, regrets aren't really my style, and stupid fretting like this is what ROBS ME OF PRECIOUS SLEEP!! so shut up. i still haven't heard from stupid kansas or wherever that online class, which distresses me a little. they need to hurry up. why i don't know, i don't exactly have time to play with french. and it won't matter if my 'advising' meeting with mr. stupid department head goes as i anticipate and i won't be graduating anyway. i'm sure as hell not taking the only two classes i can take next semester. only one writing class offered and the subject is similar to the class i'm taking now, and from reading the description it sure doesn't sound like a writing class. and it just sounds awful. and i have no reason to believe he'll actually care that i am not interested in wasting time, money or my last semester in two classes that are not only useless to me, but sound downright painful. in fact, i'm certain he won't as a friend met with him today with the same concerns and he told her to take and undergrad class, just flatly said no and barely acknowledged her question about us and another student wanting to arrange an independent (codependent?) study for the three of us. so i'm more than a little upset, stressed, pissed, sad and thoroughy rearranged about all that. and i'm afraid that when i meet with him, the tired and the sickly will make me much more unpleasant and irrational than i need to be.

and it bothers me that i let it bother me. i know god's got whatever worked out and it's cool and i'm pretty sure he made me go to this crappy school (again). but i don't know, could i have just self-sabotaged and rushed my way into it? doesn't matter now, so why worry, but still...

that's the problem right there: but still... there shouldn't be a 'but.' and usually there isn't much of one. i've actually reached a point where i don't really worry about things i can't control anyway, nor the things i can. god's got it, i'm ok. until i let fear and doubt and stress and worry pile up and overwhelm me, keep me always empty, never hungry, always churning, but paralyzed, completely scattered, but solidly aware, exhausted, sleepless. and apparently blogging into the void at 3 am. because i dont even get useful insomnia where i could actually accomplish something. i'm just... awake.

Tags: insomnia, school, what's wrong with me, worry

i should be writing a prospectus for my final paper in my 'life-writing' or whatever it is class. the paper is supposed to be autobiographical, 15-20 pages with a critical preface. great. swell. NO IDEA what to write about. i have a terrible memory it turns out, which is odd, cuz i am a steel trap when it comes to useless info, people i met once 6 years ago or anything else as irrelevent to life. i found this out last semester when one of my assignments was to do a 'memoir' piece, only 5-6 pages. i only remember past events in random scenes, all soft and hazy around the edges like cheezy movie flashbacks. so for that essay, i mined the one memory that i could collect enough wisps of to fill two, maybe two-and-a-half pages. then i sort of cheated and filled in the gaps with the knowledge gained since i was four about that moment.

so obviously this paper will have to be about something pretty current, which is fine because i'm more interested in now than the past anyway. the idea of some sort of daily-ish diary thing bores me to death and i know i wouldn't keep up with it anyway. never have. i just don't find my life that interesting, and certainly not interesting enough to write 15 pages. bleh. if only i could write a fictional autobiography. i mean, people have made millions doing that. sure you get yelled at by oprah, but i ain't scared. blah blah blah.

so anyway, i'm watching the "fresh water" episode of planet earth, which ben decided to watch without me for some reason. so far i've learned that not only are otters adorable, they are badasses. a herd of them chased a very large crocodile out of the water and far far away on the land. they were biting it and jumping at it, being all "yeah, we're cute and 1/15 of your size, four of us could fit in your mouth at once, but you better step off! we'll bite you! we'll point and laugh, don't make us call you alligator!" otters is cool. and then it cuts to another water hole where a croc just grabbed a water buffalo and spent an hour drowning it. water buffalo, sure. otters, no chance. some days i think i am a crocodile with nothing but otters in sight. sigh.

have i mentioned that i'm so over this being sick thing? this is ridiculous. and it sucks. and i don't have time for it right now. maybe it could come back between dec. 16 and early january if it must? but seriously it's been a week now, what the hell man. i feels like poo and i sleep entirely too much. i had a presentation in class last night and putting that thing together was just stupid. it probably took two days longer than it should have. reading with the giant stuffy, stupid achy cold head would probably be just as easy if it were in japanese. in the end though i feel like at least the info and brilliant thoughts i had compiled onto me lil handout were good, because the professor didn't take issue with anything or really add anything. i sounded like a babbling idiot i'm sure, but that's not that unusual anyway. yes, like now, smartass reader person.

just for that, the babble continues. i ventured to the chiropractorman this morning which was much needed since i hadn't been since last tuesday. i normally go on fridays as well, but he closes at noon and i was not yet awake at that hour, so no cracking for me. anyway, i was in the back laying on the table whilst waiting for him to finish up the lady he'd been working on before me. i'd heard her ask him if he could feel where it was broken and saying something about it grinding and crunching when someone rubbed her back. the words 'lacerated liver' come up, then 'crushed esophagus.' by this point they were up at the desk, where i could see them. this lady looks fine, is wearing boots with heels even. the only evidence i could see of any sort of injury were two broken fingers. i'm thinking "what in the world happened to this woman and why is she bouncing around in normal clothes and heels?" they leave, the doc comes over and says, "that lady was trampled by a bull. like trampled (he makes arm motions to indicate repeated stomping), like the bull was trying to kill her!" i said something to the effect of "holy crap! awesome!" and he says, "i know, it's really interesting, i can't wait till she brings in her scans!" that is why we like him.

ok. back to figuring out what to autobiograph. wonder if i could get away with writing hayley's autobiography? i don't even think i'm going to class, but i still have to turn something in. curse you, al gore for inventing the internets that led to the emails that lead to the having to turn things in whether you show up or not. plbt!

Tags: bull trampling, i'm still freaking sick, otters!, school